Sense of Self | City Calm Down

Last night I had the first good night’s sleep in…

…shit I can’t remember really.

I’ve been tossing and turning and waking up early for months now. It’s been exhausting. But this morning (although I still woke up before 5:00am), I woke up ready to feel better. Ready to wash my hair, change my sheets, buy some weird green juice, and take the scenic drive to work. Ready to do what I needed to do to feel better.

It’s weird (and kinda fucked up in a way) that whenever I feel off, I keep going in that direction. I keep doing things and making choices that will keep me feeling off. It’s like part of me wants to see just how far off I can go. It’s like someone is asking: Just how long can she last without sleep? or What happens if she doesn’t get to workout five days in a row? or Just how crazy will her hair get if she can’t find time to wash it?

It’s like this part of me wants to test my maintenance level and see how far I can go until I break down. 

But the thing is it never really happens. It all never really goes to shit…even when there’s a part of me that wants it to.

There’s always a moment when my off button turned off and my on button goes on. When I wash my hair, change my sheets, buy some weird green juice, take the scenic drive to work, and do what I need to do to feel better. I love that moment. I love the moment I get turned on.

Hmmm…

…maybe that’s why I like going off every now and then.