Chasing Shadows | Santigold

I started writing this post yesterday but had to stop.

I haven’t written in a long time. A really long time.

I wish I could say I didn’t know why but I do.

It’s been so hard to put what’s been going on my mind down on virtual paper. Not because I can’t articulate it but because I don’t want to say it out loud to the world.

Because that would feel like  declaration in a way. And I don’t feel like I can put it out there for people to see if I’m just beginning to see it myself.

I heard this track a couple of weeks ago and couldn’t get it out of my head. Something about it resonated with me and I wasn’t sure why. To be honest beside “chasing shadows” I wasn’t sure what Santigold was saying. 

But then I read something she wrote about this track and I completely understood why I connected with it:

“Chasing Shadows” is about with the conflicted reality of an artist’s life. Caught in the web we spin around ourselves, a mixture of hubris and the guise of perfection, we fear being swallowed up by our own ambition. Never in the moment, as quickly as we reach our goals, our gaze shifts to those still looming in the distance. We judge ourselves harshly for not being further on the path and revel in the anxiety of racing the rate of consumption. The lyrics weigh the value of going against the current to maintain artistic integrity, and the feelings of isolation and vacancy bred by a persona that is always “on” and ready for show.

After i read that somehow the lyrics stuck out to me more.

Maybe I won’t get it wrong…no patience for myself.

It’s been hard for me to write because I’ve been feeling so fucking stuck. It’s been hard for me to write because I’ve been feeling so fucking scared. And I’ve so hard on myself for being so fucking stuck and so fucking scared. And I’ve been feeling so down for being so hard on myself.

But something began to shift a few weeks ago. And I’m feeling less stuck…less scared…less hard on myself.

But when I listened to this song again to write about it another lyric came out clearer…

Around another year I’ll wonder did I go someplace. I’m buckling this one down. This one here won’t walk away.

…and I had to stop.

I had to stop writing about the shit I needed to do and do the shit I needed to do.

So I did.

And it felt good. Really fucking good. 

This year definitely won’t walk away.