Somewhere | Perla

I can’t tell the difference between myself and a ship that’s being thrown from wave to wave at the moon’s discretion.

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat and I don’t think it’s a coincidence.  

For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt a little aimless. Every now and then I’d have little spurts of direction, or focus, but ultimately I didn’t have this clearly designed path, or goal, that everything around me seemed to tell me I was supposed to have.

There was always someone, or something, telling me that I should to to have a plan, that I should to know what I was going to do next, that I should know what I wanted, and who I was. And that if I didn’t…well… don’t know what the consequence actually was if I didn’t, but it felt weighted. It felt like without those things defined, I was going about my life the wrong way…and I was going to pay for it.

I’ve looked to so many places and people to help me define where I should go, what I should do, or who I should be. Some of them were knew me and loved me and tried to steer me in a direction they thought was right for me. Others never knew I existed but would give direction to anyone who was looking for it. Sometimes it felt right. But more often than not, it didn’t. And I kept on feeling like I was going about my life the wrong way…and that I was paying for it.

When I got hurt, it was because I was paying for it. When I was broke, it was because I was paying for it. Anytime I was ignored, disrespected, heartbroken, rejected, denied, or destroyed, it was ultimately because I was going about my life the wrong way and I was paying for it.

But recently, people have been showing me that maybe I haven’t been going about my life the wrong way. To be honest, there are been people who’ve been trying to show me that for years, but it’s only until now that I’m realizing that they I might be right.

It’s only until now that I’m realizing that maybe I every time I got hurt, was broke, ignored, disrespected, heartbroken, rejected, denied, or destroyed it wasn’t because I was going about my life the wrong way. It’s only until now that I’m realizing that maybe it was all just shit that happened…rather than shit I was paying for.

It’s been weird sitting with that.

Sitting with the idea that I might not being going about my life the wrong way.

That maybe I’m not that aimless.

I don’t know which way is north. I never do I just trusted i would end up somewhere. 

It’s funny, I still don’t have any goal, or path in mind.

But I know I’m going somewhere.