Get Out | Mickey Kojak

Man, it has been a long week.

It’s been a long few weeks.

Fuck it’s been a long year.

On Monday, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it. I felt completely spent - physically, mentally, and emotionally I felt like I couldn’t muster the energy to get out of bed, let alone make it through the week.

Tuesday was a bit better but not that much.

Wednesday I made it to work and, surprisingly, made it through the day.

But on Thursday, things started to turn around. Thursday, I woke up and did my normal woo woo morning routine - hot water with lemon, yoga flow, writing, guided meditation - and something clicked.

Like, literally clicked.

Ok. Maybe not literally. But it was definitely palpable.

It felt like I took out something that was lodged inside preventing me from moving forward. Preventing me from moving the direction felt right.

To be honest, I think there’s always been something like that lodged inside of me - making it hard to move towards what I want, or making move in a direction that felts slightly off.

When my Dad died, I stopped moving all together. I was too tired.

For as hard as it was, it felt freeing in a way. It felt freeing to be immobile. To not move in any direction. Especially one that didn’t feel right.

For the past year, since then, I feel like I’ve been slowly moving forward and back over and over again. Adjusting my position by one degree every time - hoping I’ll land in the direction that feels right. The past few months feel like I’ve been getting closer and closer. Like I landed on an angle that feels like the right direction. Only to find that moving one more degree feels even better. Even last week I thought I finally nailed it. But when Thursday came around, it felt different.

Thursday, it felt like something was dislodged. Like there was this imperceptible object blocking me from really moving…or maybe flowing….that was gone. It felt I could move in any direction, at for any distance, and any speed.

And Friday? Well, it just got better.

And today? Well, I’m not really sure what today has in store. But I’m pretty sure without that thing that was holding me back, I can move around whatever comes my way.