Everybody's Son | Cloves

Its funny what you find when you’re not looking for it.

I feel like I hear that sentiment all the time. Or at least something like it.

Whenever someone expresses that to me it makes be feel lost. So incredibly lost. 

I get what their intent is. I get the idea behind it and it makes complete sense. I get what they’re trying to prevent and I understand it. 

But the thing is I don’t know what it’s like to never be looking for something. I know what it’s like to not search for something. Or to not long for something. Or obsess over it. But I don’t know what it’s like to never look. Because I’m always looking.

I’m always looking at myself. At other people. At the street. At the sky. At screens. At words. At interactions. At expressions. At anything that’s in front of me. And even more that’s not.

I don’t know how not to look…and wonder…and question…and assess…and conclude…and look again.

I don’t know what it’s like to not look. But everyone keeps talking about this bliss that happens wen you don’t. Everyone talks about this magical moment that only the special few, who figure out the trick, can experience. 

It’s like one of those visual puzzles that where if you shift your eyes ever so slightly you can see something there you didn’t see before. And one by one everyone around me says “I see it!”, “I see it too!”. And I’m left there, sitting alone, staring at this page waiting for that moment of euphoria where I can see it too and join the others.

But it never comes.

Because i’m always looking

Its funny what you find when you’re not looking for it.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.