On Your Mind | Kaskade

“I wish that I would have known I was on your mind.”

I hate this song

I hate this song for repeating the words I fear hearing the most.

I hate this song for having a haunting sound deep groove that makes you titer between sitting with your regret and deciding to say what you feel.

“I wish that I would have known I was on your mind.”

I hate this song for making me pause.

I hate this song for making me listen.

I hate this song for being another reminder of something I already know. 

“I wish that I would have known I was on your mind.”

I hate this song for coming out right now. 

I hate that I’ve been so fucking soft since my dad died.

I hate that when I broke down in Chicago and Toby took care of me, it made instantly feel something I had never felt.

It made me feel really taken care of. 

And it made me realize that I never let anyone really take care of me.

It made me realize how contained I’ve been with the people I’ve been with…and want to be with. How I’ve never really just let myself be. Unfiltered. Unedited. Not giving a fuck about how I come off or what they might think of me. Not letting things get messy or uncomfortable…because no one wants to deal with shit that’s messy and uncomfortable. 

But Toby did. 

Toby took my angry, sad, annoyed, tired, indecisive, crying, and messy self and just took care of me.

And I felt loved.

“I wish that I would have known I was on your mind.”

I hate this song.

I hate this song for reminding me about what I learned in Chicago.

I hate this song for reminding me I’ve gone soft.

I hate this song for reminding me that the discomfort you have from sitting regret is not worth the discomfort you might have from saying what you feel.

Yeah.

I definitely hate this song.

It’s not a fucking amazing song at all.