Something In My Heart | Röyksopp

“I really want you to start writing again. You haven’t done it in a while. And I think I know why. But I really want you to start doing it again.”

Verna said this to me last week over dinner. Her comments made me feel loved, guilty, and a bit scared. It made me feel like I was having some sort of intervention.

But she was right. I had stopped. And I had been struggling with that fact for weeks . It’s funny that she said that she knew why because I still hadn’t. I still hadn’t been able to wrap my head around where I was, let alone put words to it. But apparently Verna knew why. And so did Lauren, and Becky, and Aaren. And it feels like they’ve been waiting for me to just catch up.

I loved someone.

I loved someone and it was sweet, and awful, and amazing, devastating, hilarious, sad, and beautiful. 

It was the first time. And it took me by surprise.

Even as people said “you loved him”, I would respond “No no no. it wasn’t love. Lurve maybe. but not love." I fought against the idea that this emotion that so many people revere, that so many songs are written about, could be so…

so..

well…

nothing.

Nothing and everything at the same time.

I feel like this song grasps this so well. And it does it with one line:

I don’t know what’s real.

To me that says it all. It wraps up what I couldn’t wrap my head around. I makes sense of everything I couldn’t make sense of. It puts words to what I couldn’t put words to. 

Because when it was all going down I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand how something could be sweet, and awful, and amazing, devastating, hilarious, sad, and beautiful all at once. Because nothing I was experiencing seemed real. Even though it was. It so was.

But maybe that’s part of love. Feeling something so strongly that might not have anything to do with anything real. 

Or maybe that’s part of how I love.

Or maybe that was just a part of this love.

I guess I’ll find out next time around.