The Read All About It | Stefan Biniak

I am the luckiest fucker in the world. And I say that knowing that this has nothing to do with me. And everything to do with the people in my life.

Today my friend texted me. I texted them back. And then I cried. Because I never thought I’d get a text from them ever again.

Five or six years ago I did something I regret. Now, I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life. A lot. And I’ve hurt, offended, and dismissed numerous people I’ve come into contact with, both intentionally and unintentionally. But out of all of my poor displays of being a good person there is really only one thing I’ve ever regretted doing. 

The moment I did it I regretted it. And how I handled it, or didn’t handle it, was also something I regretted. And the friends I confided in, for better or for worse, didn’t judge me. But that friend never knew. 

Until two and a half months ago.

I don’t know how many times I’d heard the phrase the awful truth but it wasn’t until that moment that I understood it. I don’t know how many times I’d heard the phrase come to terms but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized that years of therapy and dwelling on karma didn’t even come close to getting there it. When they found out all I could do was be more honest with them than I had been with anyone in my life and deal with the consequences.

And then I never heard back from them.

And then they texted me in New York asking to get together.

And then we had drinks.

And then we had dinner.

And then we hugged and smiled before we parted ways in the subway.

And then I went back to SF.

And today they texted me radnomly. To tell me they loved SoulCycle. And I texted back. And I cried. And I’m still crying

I’m crying because I’m so fucking grateful. I’m crying because I don’t know if there’s a way to express to them the massive amount gratitude I feel. I’m crying because I’m happy to have my friend back. And I’m crying because there’s a part of me that questions weather or not i deserve to have that friend back. And there’s another part of me that’s pissed at that first part of me for even thinking that. 

Because I think that first part of me is why I got into this situation in the first place. It’s the part of me that questions what doesn’t need to be questioned. It’s the part of me that makes what’s so clear and obvious look like it’s been thrown into a kaleidoscope. It the part of me that makes it hard for me to do what I need to do. It’s the part that gets in the way…of me and the most beautiful and amazing parts of the world.

Fuck.

I’m really ready to let that part of me go.