How to Survive a Tree Falling on You - Track #5

From the moment I realized the tree fell on me, the first thing that felt “off” to me was my arm.

While lying there, I looked over to my left expecting to see my arm standing up, but when I saw it laying down, I knew something was wrong. When I got to the ER and the swarm of doctors finished examining my arm, they told me nothing was broken but they’d do more tests in the morning. I wouldn’t find out until the next day that it was nerve damage.

The worst part of the nerve damage has been my arm’s reaction to touch. In the ER, any time someone touched my arm I felt excruciating pain. Even when they tried to place blankets or sheets on me, I couldn’t handle it. It was one of the hardest things to experience in this accident. And not just because of the pain. But because the pain came from touch.

I love touch. I love touching. I love hugging. I love squeezing people’s faces. I love feeling soft fabrics on my skin. I love feeling water between my fingers when I’m sitting on a surfboard laying my hand on top of the water. I love feeling water splash on my skin sitting on the net of a catamaran. I love feeling sweat on my skin. I love feeling sweat dripping on my skin after a good workout or…after a good workout. And I love feeling a cool breeze on my skin right after.

I love feeling almost anything on my skin because I love it being touched. My most favorite moments are when someone intentionally, or unintentionally, touches my skin and comments on how soft it is…and then keeps touching it. I fucking love it. I have seven different lotions and oils for my skin because I fucking love it so much. So to have the lightest touch my skin make me want to cry was my worst nightmare. No touches. No hugs. No soft fabrics. None of the things that would make me feel so happy being in so much pain.

The pain eventually subsided. I was able to have a sheet touch my arm. And then a blanket. And then a shirt. And then a hand. And then a hug.

Finally a hug.

It felt so good that I almost cried. In fact I think I did. And then I hugged every-fucking-person I saw. Anytime someone looked afraid to touch me, I would tell them “my arm is better, you can touch me now!” and we would have the best hug.

It was amazing.

You don’t really know how much you miss hugs until you’re without them for a minute.

But not touch.

Touch is different.

It doesn’t feel right to not be touched.

I missed that from day one.